It’s not so much that men are seemingly oblivious to their privilege, but more that they’re deliberately disinterested in hearing about it, says Gasant Abarder in this week’s “Slice of Gasant”, exclusive to Cape {Town} Etc.
Abarder, who recently launched his book, Hack with a Grenade, is among the country’s most influential media voices.
I became a bona fide Manchester United fan when I was ten years old. Not long after, Ryan Giggs burst onto the scene and epitomised everything the club represented in those magical years of winning trophy after trophy.
Thirty-three years later, the guy I hero-worshipped is accused of assaulting two women.
Let’s put aside for a second that he had an affair with his brother’s wife. Giggs is now a candidate for football’s Hall of Fame. For me, it’s a hard no. The guy and his legacy are now dead to me.
Men are trash. Full stop. Including the writer of this column – so please allow me to “mansplain”, if only for the benefit of the male readers of this column.
I feel ashamed to call myself a man. It is easy enough for me to back up my statement simply by pointing out crimes that don’t even involve women victims. Armed robberies, murders and fraud. The perpetrators are men – almost without exception.
Next, the extent of gender-based violence in South Africa is staggering.
Men in South Africa are more than trash. They are the biggest threat to women. Men seldom fear being raped or murdered. Imagine a woman’s fear while walking through a deserted basement parking lot and hearing footsteps behind her. Or crossing the street and being cat-called. Or daring to take a run alone before sunrise.
This behaviour is enabled by a very dangerous rape culture in South Africa that supports victim shaming.
Women are blamed for being raped because of what they wear. Or, she cried rape after flirting. Consent is a grey area where “no” somehow means “yes”. But it’s often the unseen attacks on women that hurt the hardest. The humiliation brought about by patriarchy, sexism and toxic masculinity – all nice euphemisms for abuse.
Women aren’t seen as equals to male work colleagues and are prone to being bullied in a professional environment. A woman often has to walk into a boardroom as the sole woman senior exec. She has to fight to be heard as her voice is usually drowned out by men. Men are often disparaging and patronising. When she stands up for herself she is described as passive-aggressive. If a man makes a forceful point in the boardroom, he is assertive. A good lad who doesn’t take shit. The woman? A bitch and a troublemaker.
It is the same privileged, mediocre men that complain about merit when a woman of colour is appointed to a position on merit but is still considered an affirmative action appointment. She has to prove her worth to others and work harder than them. And sometimes she has to prove her worth to herself when doubt sets in. Meanwhile, the credentials of the male CEO are never questioned thanks to male privilege.
I have worked with brilliant women too terrified to disclose they’re pregnant or planning a family for fear it may harm their chances of landing a job.
It has been a man’s world since Adam and men seem completely oblivious. Or, more accurately, they’re deliberately disinterested.
I am trash too, because in my community and family, men grow up believing moms, sisters, grannies and aunts are meant to cook, dish up and clean up after them. Until I had a family of my own, I was guilty as charged. When they’re older they expect their wives to do the same.
Pal, I can tell you, your marriage is already in trouble. Washing the dishes and household chores are for girls while the boys go about the important business of becoming men. Sexuality for the girls in the family is strictly taboo while the boys are cut a bit of slack and families even joke about what the lads get up to.
I’ve seen young men wear broken jeans, shorts and caps in mosques while daughters, apart from having to be seen and not heard, need to be covered from head to toe at all times in public. The tiny spaces in most mosques in Cape Town allocated for women worshippers tell a story of its own. They’re treated like second-class citizens in a place of worship.
Away from the patriarchy, with exceptions of course, there are double standards about sex not exclusive to the Muslim community. When a woman is sexually liberated she is a slut. A guy is a player.
To every man out there, I don’t care how many trophies you’ve won or what you’ve done in football or in life. In my world, Ryan Giggs is cancelled because he is an appalling human being and he is trash.
Picture: Instagram