After his journo maths makes him realise he may have to wear a mask for 18 years before getting a vaccine, Gasant Abarder contemplates life – and his ‘assets’ – during the COVID-19 pandemic in this weeks Slice of Gasant Abarder column

Abarder is a celebrated Cape Town-based media specialist and the former editor of the Cape Times and Cape Argus. This weekly feature is exclusive to Cape {town} Etc…


News that US authorities had serious concerns about the safety of the J&J vaccine really crushed my spirit. And then my journo math worked out it would take 18 years for me to be vaccinated.

I imagined life over the next 18 years wearing a mask. I think I may have shed a tear.

What I’m going to say next may land me in big trouble with the Muslim community. It’s Ramadan, after all. A fatwa may be issued ordering Muslims not to read Cape {Town} Etc. But then I thought about it – long and hard. I decided to write it anyway because it is work. In my faith, work is an act of worship.

Disclaimer sorted!

The thought of wearing a mask reminded me of a joke I made with my buddies of my social footie club, Woodstock Wanderers, a few days before the holy month started. I said I’d heard of this gentlemen’s club called Maverick’s, haven’t been, but that one evening we should break our fast there.

Now, of course I know what Maverick’s is. Though I’ve never been — obviously —I have heard about it and I’ve seen these kinds of places in movies and read about them.

The joke went down well with the lads. A few hours later there was that small aircraft in the sky carrying the Maverick’s banner reading, “New Dancers”. It made me laugh and also curse them under my breath for the times I had to lie to my kids about what Maverick’s was whenever they saw that plane.

Where the heck do they get the cash to rent that plane when the economy is in ruins? Have you seen the price of petrol and diesel? Well, avgas is even more expensive.

Then I thought about the dancers at Maverick’s. They’re taking off the full kit, the full monty – but wearing a mask.

My thoughts raced back to the slow pace of vaccinations. If it was going to take 18 years of mask wearing, it would mean the Maverick’s dancers would never take their masks off. Otherwise the place may as well be a super spreader venue (no pun intended).

In 18 years’ time, Maverick’s patrons will be so intrigued by what lies beneath the mask that lips, teeth and noses will become the new boobs and bums. 

The chaps will pay extra for the dancer – now fully clothed – to take her mask off. Think about it for a second: if all women went around topless everywhere but they always wore gloves, then hands would become the new boobs. It’s obvious.

And like that aunty in the supermarket video that made the rounds on social media who promptly pulled off her skimpy undies as a makeshift mask, perhaps the masks will be made out of lace. And cover just the bare minimum of mouths and noses.

This is our new normal, dear reader. 

So, for those folks annoyingly wearing their masks under their noses, you’re giving away all your mystery and allure. Your lips, teeth and nose will be your biggest assets. Fashion magazines will run features like, “Perfect your mask look” and will fight over models with the cutest button noses, Angelina Jolie-like lips, and teeth like Naas Botha. Okay, maybe the last example is a bit of a stretch.

So, as we wait patiently for our vaccines – as patiently as we’ve waited for Eskom to get their act together (pffffftttt!) – wear your mask. Not only is it the right thing to do to prevent the spread of a deadly virus. But you will be the subject of intrigue. 

I call it the lucky packet effect. Ladies and gents, when that mask comes off, you could be going home with an oil painting. Or a Picasso.

Just think of how the dialogue of Love Island SA might go. Instead of saying, “I like tall, dark and handsome with a bit of tattoos”, the ladies will say: “On paper, he is my type. I especially like the deviated septum, his lips are so full and those pearly white teeth… I definitely want to get to know him.”

Finally, as a coloured guy, life is so confusing these days. You know, that old chestnut “first we were too black, now too white”? Imagine us now. Four years ago, I would’ve caused a panic if I entered a store wearing a mask. Now I cause a panic for not wearing one!

#SliceofGasant

Shares: