Celebrated Cape Town-based media specialist and the former editor of the Cape Times and Cape Argus, Gasant Abarder takes us through a journey of “the South African queue” in his debut feature for Cape {Town} Etc. Here, he argues that if queueing was an Olympic sport, South Africa would win gold. Get a slice of life every week – exclusive to Cape {Town} Etc.

South Africa will win gold every time if queuing was an Olympic sport. Travelling to Durban, Joburg and Pretoria for launches to promote my debut book, ‘Hack with a Grenade’, last December I was in awe at the form. At each airport, folks rushed to get to the front of the queue with such commitment. We’re all getting onto the same plane, departing at the same
time.

We’re world class and the Proteas and Bafana can learn a thing or two about this kind of conditioning.

A few weeks ago, I had an unabridged birth certificate printed for my son at Wynberg Home Affairs. What should have been a 20-minute errand took six hours. Two hours of a Saturday morning to draw a vehicle license disk (while praying all the time I had no warrants) at the Pinelands municipal offices. Then we finally decided to brave an hour-long queue as a family to benefit from some special offers at a retail outlet store at Access Park. We decided after months of delaying to Just Do It!

We’re so good at queuing we even have a “panic queueing”. This is when you queue for toilet paper you don’t need – observing the 1.5m social distancing and mask wearing of course – for an impending apocalypse. It has to be 2-ply otherwise it doesn’t count. Remember ahead of the 1994 elections the snaking lines outside supermarkets so those bunkering down could stock up on baked beans? I hope those bunkers were properly ventilated!

Of course, it’s different for real essentials. I mean, a rumour of another hard lockdown with the threat of a dop restriction justifies waiting in a massive queue. Apparently, even for that guy with the Muslim name in the line at Tops at Spar ahead of the Lockdown Level 5. Then there is the Black Friday farce, when folks will queue overnight to get R50 off the normal retail price of an R800 item.

Every time I hit a queue I make the same rookie mistake. The most sensible thing to do is bring a mini camping chair, a good book or a fully charged smartphone with a downloaded movie or series. But no, I have to strike up a conversation – which makes me a total weirdo. And the company I choose is almost always weirder and never stop talking, stopping only to take a few breaths before yapping on.

In such queues, I’ve heard some wild COVID-19 conspiracy theories. I had a guy try to convince me to “chip” my streaming TV device and access 5 000 bouquets with even more thousands of channels. But worst of all, chatting to a Liverpool fan. You’d think the shirt he wore was a dead giveaway. But no… I started off with a: “So, I’m sure things will turn around for you guys.”

On a serious note, it drives me nuts to see senior citizens during a pandemic having to stand in massive queues for their pension grants. This is not how a nation treats its most vulnerable. And in 2021, you’d think there would be an easier way.

Tell you what: you won’t mind standing in a queue this Saturday at Exclusive Books in Cavendish Square where I’ll be signing copies of ‘Hack with a Grenade – An Editor’s Back Stories of SA News purchased at the store from 10am. And if I like your queue banter, I’ll take a pic with you. Second prize: two pics with you. Third prize… well… you get the picture.

  • Gasant Abarder is a former editor of the Cape Times and the Cape Argus, an author and a media, marketing and communications consultant.

Read also: Gasant Abarder writes for Cape Town Etc

Gasant Abarder writes for Cape Town Etc

Picture: Unsplash

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